1 00:00:04,991 --> 00:00:07,993 Greetings, Sullivan and son riffraff. 2 00:00:08,463 --> 00:00:10,964 Hey, guys. Happy anniversary. 3 00:00:10,966 --> 00:00:12,532 Thanks, Steve. 4 00:00:12,534 --> 00:00:14,200 Oh, there you are. 5 00:00:14,202 --> 00:00:15,368 Hi, mom. 6 00:00:15,370 --> 00:00:19,539 Happy anniversary to my favorite son. 7 00:00:19,541 --> 00:00:21,875 He's not your son. 8 00:00:21,877 --> 00:00:23,309 I'm sorry. 9 00:00:23,311 --> 00:00:25,978 Did my middle child who quit being a lawyer say something? 10 00:00:28,015 --> 00:00:30,416 You should be out celebrating. What are you doing here? 11 00:00:30,418 --> 00:00:31,617 We thought we'd stop by 12 00:00:31,619 --> 00:00:34,687 and show you what truly happy people look like. 13 00:00:34,689 --> 00:00:36,055 I wish you people 14 00:00:36,057 --> 00:00:37,890 could have that kind of confidence behind the wheel. 15 00:00:37,892 --> 00:00:42,360 Holy shit. You're still alive? 16 00:00:42,362 --> 00:00:45,164 I bet you say that to all your patients. 17 00:00:48,267 --> 00:00:50,769 Hey, dad, can you believe it's been 10 years 18 00:00:50,771 --> 00:00:52,838 since you walked me down the aisle? 19 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:55,273 10 years? You kids are still newlyweds. 20 00:00:55,275 --> 00:00:57,109 I have to be the luckiest man in the world 21 00:00:57,111 --> 00:00:59,444 to score such a trophy wife. 22 00:00:59,446 --> 00:01:02,714 Yeah, with those horse legs, she could win the breeders' cup. 23 00:01:04,149 --> 00:01:05,817 Okay, okay, okay! Hey. 24 00:01:05,819 --> 00:01:07,452 Let's celebrate the happy day 25 00:01:07,454 --> 00:01:09,254 with a bottle of our very finest. 26 00:01:09,256 --> 00:01:11,289 Bring it to the corner booth, Steve. 27 00:01:11,291 --> 00:01:13,425 I want to be alone with my beautiful butterfly. 28 00:01:15,428 --> 00:01:18,096 Look at the way she shuffles, huh? 29 00:01:18,098 --> 00:01:21,899 She makes me so horny it should be illegal. 30 00:01:24,603 --> 00:01:27,438 There is no man more passionate 31 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:29,506 than the groom on his wedding day. 32 00:01:29,508 --> 00:01:30,708 Brings back memories. 33 00:01:30,710 --> 00:01:32,476 Carol, you were never married. 34 00:01:32,478 --> 00:01:34,278 I didn't say it was my wedding. 35 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:36,413 A married man on his wedding night? 36 00:01:36,415 --> 00:01:39,450 And the bride. I-I wouldn't leave her out. 37 00:01:39,452 --> 00:01:43,320 After all, it's her special day. 38 00:01:43,322 --> 00:01:45,322 Listen, I didn't get you an anniversary present 39 00:01:45,324 --> 00:01:47,523 because I didn't want to get you something you'd hate, you know? 40 00:01:47,525 --> 00:01:49,926 So, whatever you want, name it. 41 00:01:49,928 --> 00:01:51,461 Remember, you're a doctor's wife. 42 00:01:51,463 --> 00:01:52,863 You're not like these people. 43 00:01:56,634 --> 00:01:57,734 Well, to be honest, 44 00:01:57,736 --> 00:02:00,170 I've always sort of wanted a minivan. 45 00:02:00,172 --> 00:02:04,140 A dentist could get you that. 46 00:02:04,142 --> 00:02:08,544 This is an important milestone. You need to dream bigger. 47 00:02:08,546 --> 00:02:11,013 Um... you've never given me a rolex. 48 00:02:11,015 --> 00:02:13,349 You've never taken me on a cruise. 49 00:02:13,351 --> 00:02:14,850 You've never given me an orgasm. 50 00:02:14,852 --> 00:02:16,386 You've never taken me to Paris. 51 00:02:16,388 --> 00:02:17,853 Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 52 00:02:17,855 --> 00:02:19,689 What was that thing before Paris? 53 00:02:19,691 --> 00:02:21,490 Rolex? 54 00:02:21,492 --> 00:02:22,858 No, after that. 55 00:02:22,860 --> 00:02:26,028 - Rolex? - No! 56 00:02:26,030 --> 00:02:28,597 You said I'd never given you an orgasm. 57 00:02:28,599 --> 00:02:30,065 Look, it's not a big deal. 58 00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:31,901 Honey, don't take this the wrong way. 59 00:02:31,903 --> 00:02:33,568 It's just something that we can get better at. 60 00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:34,703 It is a big deal. 61 00:02:34,705 --> 00:02:36,672 I want our marriage to have everything. 62 00:02:36,674 --> 00:02:39,308 Maybe this is not the best time to talk about this. 63 00:02:39,310 --> 00:02:40,709 Let's just celebrate. 64 00:02:40,711 --> 00:02:43,144 Happy anniversary. 65 00:02:43,146 --> 00:02:44,313 Yeah. 66 00:02:44,315 --> 00:02:47,749 Happy, happy. 67 00:02:48,753 --> 00:02:51,853 Sync and corrections by bellows www.Addic7ed.Com 68 00:02:51,854 --> 00:02:55,756 ♪ da da da da, da da da, da, da da ♪ 69 00:02:55,758 --> 00:02:59,928 ♪ da, da da da, da da da 70 00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:04,032 ♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da ♪ 71 00:03:04,034 --> 00:03:09,837 ♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! ♪ 72 00:03:09,839 --> 00:03:12,005 Hey, Jack! I've got the map! 73 00:03:12,007 --> 00:03:14,041 Ah, yes. The battle of Shiloh. 74 00:03:14,043 --> 00:03:16,344 I love civil war reenactment time. 75 00:03:16,346 --> 00:03:18,512 I hope you're in shape. I know I am. 76 00:03:18,514 --> 00:03:21,915 I'm down to 60% body fat. 77 00:03:21,917 --> 00:03:23,951 Why do you guys even do this? 78 00:03:23,953 --> 00:03:26,286 For this. It's the crystal cannonball. 79 00:03:26,288 --> 00:03:29,622 It commemorates the north's victory every year. 80 00:03:29,624 --> 00:03:31,124 According to my crystal ball, 81 00:03:31,126 --> 00:03:33,560 your lucky streak is about to end. 82 00:03:33,562 --> 00:03:35,863 It's not a streak, Hank. It's history. 83 00:03:35,865 --> 00:03:37,731 And so is your freedom, Roy. 84 00:03:37,733 --> 00:03:40,467 Because this year the South will rise again! 85 00:03:40,469 --> 00:03:41,701 Well, we all know 86 00:03:41,703 --> 00:03:44,337 there's nothing else rising on you down South. 87 00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:47,741 Steve, Steve. I need to talk to you. 88 00:03:47,743 --> 00:03:50,443 Sure. What's up, Jason? 89 00:03:50,445 --> 00:03:52,412 For the first time in my life, 90 00:03:52,414 --> 00:03:53,913 I have a problem that I can't solve with money, 91 00:03:53,915 --> 00:03:56,783 intelligence, or my stunning good looks. 92 00:03:56,785 --> 00:03:59,785 Yesterday, I discovered something shocking. 93 00:03:59,787 --> 00:04:01,487 I've never taken my wife 94 00:04:01,489 --> 00:04:05,091 to the... you know, promised land. 95 00:04:05,093 --> 00:04:07,593 Susan wants to go to Israel? 96 00:04:07,595 --> 00:04:10,062 I can't give your sister an orgasm. 97 00:04:10,064 --> 00:04:11,230 I liked it better 98 00:04:11,232 --> 00:04:12,899 when we were talking about the Middle East. 99 00:04:12,901 --> 00:04:15,634 This can't be true. I'm an amazing lover. 100 00:04:15,636 --> 00:04:17,135 I'll take your word on that. 101 00:04:17,137 --> 00:04:19,204 B-but I need your help. 102 00:04:19,206 --> 00:04:20,472 I want my marriage to have everything. 103 00:04:20,474 --> 00:04:21,973 I mean, how do I make it happen? 104 00:04:21,975 --> 00:04:23,742 I'm your wife's brother. 105 00:04:23,744 --> 00:04:25,544 There's got to be somebody else you could talk to. 106 00:04:25,546 --> 00:04:26,779 You'd think, huh? 107 00:04:26,781 --> 00:04:28,980 I'm just worried I'm gonna lose my beautiful wife. 108 00:04:28,982 --> 00:04:30,649 You're not. If the jam ain't sweet, 109 00:04:30,651 --> 00:04:32,850 she'll get it across the street. 110 00:04:32,852 --> 00:04:34,485 You're overreacting, Jason. 111 00:04:34,487 --> 00:04:35,954 I tell you. She's gonna leave me, man. 112 00:04:35,956 --> 00:04:37,755 Susan's not going anywhere. 113 00:04:37,757 --> 00:04:39,424 You think I don't see how guys look at her 114 00:04:39,426 --> 00:04:41,459 when she gets back from supercuts? 115 00:04:42,694 --> 00:04:44,195 What's his problem? 116 00:04:44,197 --> 00:04:46,998 It's not easy being married to a supermodel. 117 00:04:48,501 --> 00:04:51,969 Hey! That's my daughter you're talking about. 118 00:04:56,975 --> 00:05:00,144 Hey, Jack. Need a refill here. 119 00:05:00,146 --> 00:05:02,212 Excuse me. 120 00:05:02,214 --> 00:05:04,415 There's a whole lot of research out there 121 00:05:04,417 --> 00:05:06,550 that shows that many women 122 00:05:06,552 --> 00:05:10,554 have extreme difficulty in achieving physical climax. 123 00:05:10,556 --> 00:05:13,357 Masters and Johnson puts the numbers at 50%. 124 00:05:13,359 --> 00:05:15,492 So, you're saying the problem I'm having with Susan 125 00:05:15,494 --> 00:05:17,694 is not my fault... It's hers. 126 00:05:17,696 --> 00:05:22,398 No, what I'm saying is if you get her to totally relax 127 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:24,901 and are completely in tune with her body, 128 00:05:24,903 --> 00:05:26,570 you can make it happen. 129 00:05:26,572 --> 00:05:30,106 Right! It's her fault! 130 00:05:31,742 --> 00:05:33,076 Beer's on me, boys. 131 00:05:33,078 --> 00:05:34,277 Is this a trick? 132 00:05:34,279 --> 00:05:35,612 No. I'm celebrating. 133 00:05:35,614 --> 00:05:37,614 I just overheard Carol talking to Jason about Susan. 134 00:05:37,616 --> 00:05:41,384 Turns out scientific studies prove that 99% of all women 135 00:05:41,386 --> 00:05:43,419 are incapable of having an orgasm. 136 00:05:43,421 --> 00:05:44,420 I hear it's higher. 137 00:05:44,422 --> 00:05:46,422 Well, that explains so much. 138 00:05:46,424 --> 00:05:47,790 All the women I've ever slept with 139 00:05:47,792 --> 00:05:49,625 are physically incapable of ringing the bell. 140 00:05:49,627 --> 00:05:54,397 Which is why the considerate thing to do is not even try. 141 00:05:54,399 --> 00:05:57,332 What are you talking about? Susan can ring the bell. 142 00:05:57,334 --> 00:05:59,234 He's not talking about that kind of bell, Owen. 143 00:05:59,236 --> 00:06:01,403 For once, I know. 144 00:06:01,405 --> 00:06:02,738 Back in high school, 145 00:06:02,740 --> 00:06:05,608 the big o gave Susan the "big o." 146 00:06:05,610 --> 00:06:08,076 - What?! - What?! - What?! 147 00:06:08,078 --> 00:06:10,546 Sorry, dude. 148 00:06:10,548 --> 00:06:12,247 You weren't supposed to hear that. 149 00:06:12,249 --> 00:06:13,581 You slept with Susan? 150 00:06:13,583 --> 00:06:14,749 I don't know if we actually slept, 151 00:06:14,751 --> 00:06:16,584 but I know I gave her an orgasm. 152 00:06:18,121 --> 00:06:21,156 All right, big man. You're about to feel the pain. 153 00:06:21,158 --> 00:06:24,092 Come on, Jason! You don't have to do this! 154 00:06:24,094 --> 00:06:26,028 Dude, stop! Let's just talk! 155 00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:30,598 I don't want to tell you this, dude, 156 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:31,933 'cause it might make you madder, 157 00:06:31,935 --> 00:06:34,736 but this is the same position I had your wife in. 158 00:06:46,481 --> 00:06:48,048 Have fun, Hank. 159 00:06:48,050 --> 00:06:50,683 Fun?! War is hell, Jack. 160 00:06:50,685 --> 00:06:54,621 Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for a new strategy. 161 00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:57,490 Hank, you're the South. Your strategy is, you lose. 162 00:06:57,492 --> 00:06:59,926 - Not with these new recruits. - You got ringers? 163 00:06:59,928 --> 00:07:04,597 They're not ringers. They're disgruntled Navy seals. 164 00:07:04,599 --> 00:07:07,600 What are you doing, Hank? It's a reenactment. I win. 165 00:07:07,602 --> 00:07:09,468 And what's that on your belt? 166 00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:12,538 It's a stun gun. I'm a soldier from the future. 167 00:07:12,540 --> 00:07:15,041 Give me that. 168 00:07:15,043 --> 00:07:19,011 You're right, Jack. Let's stay true to that era. 169 00:07:19,013 --> 00:07:20,812 Back then, it was a much simpler, 170 00:07:20,814 --> 00:07:22,714 more innocent time. 171 00:07:22,716 --> 00:07:24,183 You mean when there was slavery? 172 00:07:24,185 --> 00:07:25,451 See? Roy gets it. 173 00:07:27,487 --> 00:07:28,620 Can I get you guys another pitcher? 174 00:07:28,622 --> 00:07:30,155 Owen, are you gonna tell him? 175 00:07:30,157 --> 00:07:32,357 - No. - Tell me what? 176 00:07:32,359 --> 00:07:34,192 Remember that agreement we made back in high school? 177 00:07:34,194 --> 00:07:36,194 The boner pact. Yeah. 178 00:07:36,196 --> 00:07:37,629 He broke it. 179 00:07:37,631 --> 00:07:39,998 You slept with someone else's mom? 180 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,134 - Worse. A sister. - You slept with someone else's... 181 00:07:43,136 --> 00:07:44,802 Wait a minute. 182 00:07:44,804 --> 00:07:48,773 I'm the only one with a sister here. 183 00:07:48,775 --> 00:07:51,242 - All these years, and you never told me? - I thought I did. 184 00:07:51,244 --> 00:07:53,545 I would have remembered that, Owen! 185 00:07:53,547 --> 00:07:56,047 You were at hockey practice. 186 00:07:56,049 --> 00:07:58,550 Your sister and I were watching "Boy meets world." 187 00:07:58,552 --> 00:08:02,587 And I remembered Susan bringing me into your room. 188 00:08:02,589 --> 00:08:03,821 - Oh! - Oh! 189 00:08:03,823 --> 00:08:06,356 - Oh, God. You were on my bed. - And your desk. 190 00:08:06,358 --> 00:08:07,858 - Oh! - Oh! 191 00:08:07,860 --> 00:08:09,827 And the green TV tray. 192 00:08:09,829 --> 00:08:12,830 I ate my cheez-its on that. 193 00:08:14,332 --> 00:08:17,501 Friends don't do this to each other. 194 00:08:17,503 --> 00:08:19,035 Boy, he's pissed. 195 00:08:19,037 --> 00:08:23,107 He should be. You broke the boner pact. 196 00:08:23,109 --> 00:08:25,209 Hey. 197 00:08:25,211 --> 00:08:26,376 Can I talk to you for a minute? 198 00:08:26,378 --> 00:08:27,711 You just want to talk, right? 199 00:08:27,713 --> 00:08:29,213 Yes. 200 00:08:29,215 --> 00:08:31,215 Listen. I was in my car. 201 00:08:31,217 --> 00:08:34,550 It's a BMW, obviously. 202 00:08:34,552 --> 00:08:36,552 And I was incredibly upset. 203 00:08:36,554 --> 00:08:38,521 7 series, hybrid. 204 00:08:38,523 --> 00:08:41,858 Then I suddenly realized, I may have overreacted. 205 00:08:41,860 --> 00:08:44,527 This thing between you and Susan happened a long time ago. 206 00:08:44,529 --> 00:08:45,862 I should just get over it. 207 00:08:45,864 --> 00:08:48,331 It's so good to hear you say that, Jason. 208 00:08:48,333 --> 00:08:49,699 And if it makes you feel any better, 209 00:08:49,701 --> 00:08:50,933 I didn't even enjoy it that much. 210 00:08:50,935 --> 00:08:54,003 Who wants to do anything for five hours? 211 00:08:55,739 --> 00:08:57,173 I'll kill you, man! 212 00:08:57,175 --> 00:08:59,175 Jason, stop! Calm down! 213 00:08:59,177 --> 00:09:01,577 Sit over there! 214 00:09:01,579 --> 00:09:02,978 Are we good? Okay, then. 215 00:09:02,980 --> 00:09:05,381 There's another way of looking at this. 216 00:09:05,383 --> 00:09:08,050 - Owen has knowledge. - I do. 217 00:09:08,052 --> 00:09:10,485 What is this knowledge you speak of? 218 00:09:10,487 --> 00:09:13,388 Really? What does Owen know? 219 00:09:13,390 --> 00:09:18,794 Well, he has valuable... intimate information about your wife 220 00:09:18,796 --> 00:09:21,463 that could be very useful to you. 221 00:09:21,465 --> 00:09:22,998 What have I got to lose? 222 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:26,934 My self-esteem has sunk to the level of a male nurse. 223 00:09:28,804 --> 00:09:31,439 What exactly do you remember 224 00:09:31,441 --> 00:09:35,510 about making my wife... You know? 225 00:09:35,512 --> 00:09:37,212 Fine. I'll show you. 226 00:09:37,214 --> 00:09:38,946 But this time, I'm using a condom. 227 00:09:38,948 --> 00:09:40,782 No, Owen. 228 00:09:40,784 --> 00:09:43,617 Just tell Jason in graphic detail 229 00:09:43,619 --> 00:09:45,887 how you did Steve's sister. 230 00:09:47,489 --> 00:09:48,990 I just need practical information. 231 00:09:48,992 --> 00:09:51,425 For instance, did you manipulate the areolas? 232 00:09:51,427 --> 00:09:54,461 That depends. What are areolas? 233 00:09:54,463 --> 00:09:58,098 Nipples. Did you do anything to the nipples? 234 00:09:58,100 --> 00:10:00,434 Mine or hers? 235 00:10:00,436 --> 00:10:02,803 I can't do this! 236 00:10:02,805 --> 00:10:05,339 Perhaps I can be of assistance. 237 00:10:05,341 --> 00:10:06,407 Yes. You should ask my mom. 238 00:10:06,409 --> 00:10:08,375 She taught me everything I know about sex. 239 00:10:08,377 --> 00:10:10,877 Does that surprise anybody here? 240 00:10:10,879 --> 00:10:13,213 I believe it's a mother's responsibility 241 00:10:13,215 --> 00:10:15,415 to teach their sons how to pleasure women. 242 00:10:15,417 --> 00:10:17,084 So true. 243 00:10:17,086 --> 00:10:19,052 I mean, how else are we gonna break the cycle 244 00:10:19,054 --> 00:10:21,221 of women never being able to climax? 245 00:10:21,223 --> 00:10:23,857 It's around 50%. 246 00:10:23,859 --> 00:10:25,826 I think it's 99%. 247 00:10:25,828 --> 00:10:27,894 Sure, keep telling yourself that. 248 00:10:27,896 --> 00:10:30,630 Let's go through the checklist, mom. 249 00:10:30,632 --> 00:10:32,131 When you were with Susan, 250 00:10:32,133 --> 00:10:33,799 did you make sure she was comfortable 251 00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:35,535 while you were preheating the oven? 252 00:10:35,537 --> 00:10:36,769 Check. 253 00:10:36,771 --> 00:10:39,672 And then did you slowly knead the dough? 254 00:10:39,674 --> 00:10:41,341 Double-check. 255 00:10:41,343 --> 00:10:44,009 And then I pounded furiously and repeated as necessary. 256 00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:47,179 And did you remember to flip over halfway through? 257 00:10:47,181 --> 00:10:50,616 Seriously, we are all going to court someday. 258 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,485 Okay, I'm confused. 259 00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:57,790 All I know right now is I'm horny and I want biscuits. 260 00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:02,094 Why do I bother talking to people with inferior intellects? 261 00:11:02,096 --> 00:11:04,263 You know what, Jason? Did it ever occur to you 262 00:11:04,265 --> 00:11:06,265 that sex is an intimate experience 263 00:11:06,267 --> 00:11:08,333 that two people share as equals? 264 00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,702 Why's a paramedic talking to me? 265 00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,404 See? Between you and your ego, 266 00:11:12,406 --> 00:11:15,240 there's probably not enough room for Susan in that bed. 267 00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:17,409 Ego?! Why does everyone assume 268 00:11:17,411 --> 00:11:19,911 that just because you're a God-like, life-saving surgeon, 269 00:11:19,913 --> 00:11:22,546 you have an ego?! 270 00:11:22,548 --> 00:11:23,782 Well, then you know what? 271 00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:25,283 You're gonna have a hard time satisfying a woman. 272 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:29,620 'Cause I got news for you. Women have orgasms in here. 273 00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:34,692 Boy. You are clearly not a doctor. 274 00:11:35,927 --> 00:11:40,598 I'm going with her. Preheat, knead, pound, repeat. 275 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,566 - Don't forget flip! - Got it. 276 00:11:42,568 --> 00:11:46,136 Then I'm getting a whole shitload of biscuits. 277 00:11:54,387 --> 00:11:56,687 Mom, can I talk to you for a minute? 278 00:11:56,689 --> 00:12:00,058 I'm pretty busy with my yogurt. 279 00:12:00,060 --> 00:12:03,694 I just wondered if I could talk to you about... sex. 280 00:12:03,696 --> 00:12:06,030 Oh, God, aren't you a little old 281 00:12:06,032 --> 00:12:08,666 for the "scorpion and the frog" talk? 282 00:12:08,668 --> 00:12:12,102 I really need you right now. I'm having marriage trouble. 283 00:12:12,104 --> 00:12:15,239 Oh, boy. We're doing this, aren't we? 284 00:12:15,241 --> 00:12:17,475 Yes, and I need you to listen and not make jokes. 285 00:12:17,477 --> 00:12:19,643 Okay. So, here's what happened. 286 00:12:19,645 --> 00:12:22,580 I told Jason he's never really pleased me in bed. 287 00:12:22,582 --> 00:12:24,982 Now I have to make a joke. 288 00:12:24,984 --> 00:12:26,650 Mom! 289 00:12:26,652 --> 00:12:30,487 All right. All right. I'll just do it silent to myself. 290 00:12:33,791 --> 00:12:36,426 Okay. Continue. 291 00:12:36,428 --> 00:12:37,761 Now Jason is obsessed. 292 00:12:37,763 --> 00:12:41,431 He keeps trying to please me, and it's exhausting. 293 00:12:41,433 --> 00:12:43,433 I've tried everything with him 294 00:12:43,435 --> 00:12:46,102 and I just can't make... It happen. 295 00:12:46,104 --> 00:12:47,604 What do I do? 296 00:12:47,606 --> 00:12:50,840 You fake it. 297 00:12:50,842 --> 00:12:53,175 Mom, I've never faked it. 298 00:12:53,177 --> 00:12:57,980 I've just always smiled and said, "thank you." 299 00:12:57,982 --> 00:13:00,817 We are a polite people. 300 00:13:00,819 --> 00:13:02,985 But that's going to have to change. 301 00:13:02,987 --> 00:13:04,653 I don't want to lie to him. 302 00:13:04,655 --> 00:13:07,489 Susan, if you don't lie to your husband, 303 00:13:07,491 --> 00:13:09,658 your marriage has no integrity. 304 00:13:09,660 --> 00:13:12,661 They have to be your first, your best, 305 00:13:12,663 --> 00:13:16,098 and also the biggest down there. 306 00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:19,768 Even if I wanted to fake it, I don't know how. 307 00:13:19,770 --> 00:13:21,970 I see it's time for me to teach you 308 00:13:21,972 --> 00:13:25,607 what my mother taught me and her mother taught her. 309 00:13:25,609 --> 00:13:29,611 Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman. 310 00:13:29,613 --> 00:13:32,648 And the glue that holds all of that together 311 00:13:32,650 --> 00:13:35,116 is a whole lot of fake moaning. 312 00:13:36,953 --> 00:13:38,987 Okay. 313 00:13:41,124 --> 00:13:43,624 Oh. 314 00:13:45,161 --> 00:13:46,995 Oh, God. 315 00:13:46,997 --> 00:13:48,330 Yes! 316 00:13:48,332 --> 00:13:51,966 Oh, that's the sweet spot, baby! 317 00:13:51,968 --> 00:13:54,068 Don't stop! 318 00:13:54,070 --> 00:13:57,505 Yes! Yes! 319 00:13:57,507 --> 00:14:01,576 You get the idea? 320 00:14:01,578 --> 00:14:03,744 Wow. 321 00:14:03,746 --> 00:14:07,081 And ew! 322 00:14:07,083 --> 00:14:08,882 I could never do that. 323 00:14:08,884 --> 00:14:10,084 Well, you better learn, 324 00:14:10,086 --> 00:14:11,885 or you're gonna lose your doctor husband. 325 00:14:11,887 --> 00:14:16,056 Okay. I'll give it a try. 326 00:14:16,058 --> 00:14:18,058 Oh! God! 327 00:14:18,060 --> 00:14:19,226 Oh! Yes! 328 00:14:19,228 --> 00:14:21,028 Aah! 329 00:14:21,030 --> 00:14:22,863 Is everyone okay? 330 00:14:22,865 --> 00:14:26,065 I heard a horrible sound. 331 00:14:26,067 --> 00:14:28,768 It's Susan practicing her sex noises. 332 00:14:28,770 --> 00:14:30,971 Human sex noises? 333 00:14:30,973 --> 00:14:34,608 It's a work in progress. 334 00:14:34,610 --> 00:14:37,477 - Melanie, how do you fake an orgasm? - Well, I don't. 335 00:14:37,479 --> 00:14:39,779 I always believe that everything between a man and a woman 336 00:14:39,781 --> 00:14:41,747 should be open and honest. 337 00:14:41,749 --> 00:14:44,150 Now ask her what doctor she's married to. 338 00:14:45,952 --> 00:14:47,420 Okay, let's try again. 339 00:14:47,422 --> 00:14:49,088 This time, when you're faking it, 340 00:14:49,090 --> 00:14:51,724 think of something that gets you excited. 341 00:14:51,726 --> 00:14:55,594 For me, it's reading the "pennysaver." 342 00:14:55,596 --> 00:14:58,030 It gives me multiple coupons. 343 00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:01,466 Hey, Steve. 344 00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:02,968 When did we get the new bar snacks? 345 00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:05,270 Oh, God. I-I'm sorry. 346 00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:06,639 Did I forget to tell you? 347 00:15:06,641 --> 00:15:10,609 I was going to in about 15 years. 348 00:15:10,611 --> 00:15:12,277 Are you still mad? 349 00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:15,780 - About you doing my sister and not telling me? - Yes. 350 00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:17,749 Okay, so I broke the boner pact. 351 00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:19,918 But as you remember, we have an agreed-upon punishment. 352 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,920 You get to punch me in the nut sac. 353 00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:23,755 - I'm not gonna do it. - Come on. 354 00:15:23,757 --> 00:15:25,223 How are we gonna stay friends if you don't? 355 00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:28,126 Steve, please. Punch me in the nuts. 356 00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:30,628 You would like that, wouldn't you? 357 00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:31,963 Well, not at first. 358 00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:34,331 But after we're friends again, totally. 359 00:15:36,201 --> 00:15:39,503 I won the civil war! 360 00:15:39,505 --> 00:15:41,873 And Abe Lincoln can suck it! 361 00:15:41,875 --> 00:15:44,175 Hank, come on. How did you win? 362 00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:46,410 Because the bus carrying my troops broke down. 363 00:15:46,412 --> 00:15:49,880 Well, frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. 364 00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:51,648 Hank, you know you didn't actually win. 365 00:15:51,650 --> 00:15:56,320 I did, too. You forfeited and this baby is all mine. 366 00:15:56,322 --> 00:15:58,689 Hank Murphy has rewritten history 367 00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:03,060 and, America, you're welcome. 368 00:16:05,029 --> 00:16:07,030 Whoa, whoa. You don't look happy. It's official. 369 00:16:07,032 --> 00:16:10,000 I'm a failure as a lover and as a man. 370 00:16:10,002 --> 00:16:11,034 I've tried everything 371 00:16:11,036 --> 00:16:13,770 and I cannot make my wife's toes curl. 372 00:16:13,772 --> 00:16:15,105 Did you put your ego aside? 373 00:16:15,107 --> 00:16:17,774 You know, I was so desperate, I even tried that, 374 00:16:17,776 --> 00:16:20,009 and it just made things worse. 375 00:16:20,011 --> 00:16:23,179 It was so bad, Susan was actually faking it. 376 00:16:23,181 --> 00:16:24,847 How could you tell? 377 00:16:24,849 --> 00:16:28,351 Because I was still downstairs at the time. 378 00:16:28,353 --> 00:16:30,720 I knew she couldn't pull it off. 379 00:16:30,722 --> 00:16:32,822 Only I can fake it perfectly. 380 00:16:32,824 --> 00:16:35,858 She's the best. Gets me every time. 381 00:16:35,860 --> 00:16:38,160 I don't know why I'm asking this, 382 00:16:38,162 --> 00:16:39,428 but, dad, you okay with that? 383 00:16:39,430 --> 00:16:40,562 Oh, God, yeah. 384 00:16:40,564 --> 00:16:42,665 Gets me to "Law and Order" faster. 385 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:49,204 I'm madly in love with a woman I'll never truly make happy. 386 00:16:49,206 --> 00:16:51,373 Life isn't worth living. 387 00:16:51,375 --> 00:16:54,909 Uh-oh. Lemonhead's ready to gut himself. 388 00:16:54,911 --> 00:16:57,179 I'm having a flashback. 389 00:16:57,181 --> 00:16:58,547 Different war, Hank. 390 00:16:58,549 --> 00:17:00,782 You don't know, man! You weren't there! 391 00:17:00,784 --> 00:17:02,884 Different war again, Hank! 392 00:17:02,886 --> 00:17:04,553 Let's just end it right here! 393 00:17:04,555 --> 00:17:05,587 Jason, stop. 394 00:17:05,589 --> 00:17:07,556 No! I'm gonna do it! 395 00:17:07,558 --> 00:17:09,558 I'm finally gonna stick something in something else 396 00:17:09,559 --> 00:17:12,827 and make someone feel something. 397 00:17:12,829 --> 00:17:16,397 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 398 00:17:16,399 --> 00:17:18,432 Much better, Susan. 399 00:17:18,434 --> 00:17:21,803 Jason, stop this! 400 00:17:21,805 --> 00:17:26,440 I know you want to give me a perfect experience in bed. 401 00:17:26,442 --> 00:17:29,143 But that's hard for me. 402 00:17:29,145 --> 00:17:33,648 It's hard for me to experience pleasure. 403 00:17:33,650 --> 00:17:35,283 I don't know why. 404 00:17:36,751 --> 00:17:40,921 Jason, we have a great marriage because we're willing 405 00:17:40,923 --> 00:17:43,590 to work on all the stuff that's not perfect. 406 00:17:43,592 --> 00:17:46,093 Look how much you care about this. 407 00:17:46,095 --> 00:17:48,896 To me, that's everything. 408 00:17:48,898 --> 00:17:51,699 I know that should make me feel better, but it doesn't. 409 00:17:54,235 --> 00:17:58,405 Also, Jason, you're bigger than Owen down there. 410 00:17:58,407 --> 00:18:01,174 Well, that can't be true. 411 00:18:02,943 --> 00:18:08,081 You know, I am starting to feel better. 412 00:18:08,083 --> 00:18:09,583 All you need to know is, 413 00:18:09,585 --> 00:18:11,984 I couldn't love you any more than I do. 414 00:18:11,986 --> 00:18:13,186 Great, great. Yeah. 415 00:18:13,188 --> 00:18:14,821 But let's go back to "me being bigger" part. 416 00:18:14,823 --> 00:18:17,056 Let's go home. 417 00:18:17,058 --> 00:18:19,125 Yeah, let's get away from these crazy people. 418 00:18:19,127 --> 00:18:20,693 See you later, baby carrot. 419 00:18:37,076 --> 00:18:38,344 Nice catch, Roy. 420 00:18:38,346 --> 00:18:41,614 What a shocker. The black guy caught a round ball. 421 00:18:41,616 --> 00:18:43,782 Easy, colonel Sanders. I could still drop it. 422 00:18:43,784 --> 00:18:46,051 All right, all right. You're free. 423 00:18:47,354 --> 00:18:51,522 Give that man a drink. Drinks all around! 424 00:18:59,626 --> 00:19:01,627 Guess what I just did to Susan. 425 00:19:01,629 --> 00:19:04,029 No hablo inglés. 426 00:19:04,031 --> 00:19:06,031 Relax. It's nothing sexual. 427 00:19:06,033 --> 00:19:08,333 I just got her a brand-new minivan. 428 00:19:09,670 --> 00:19:12,337 Hey, I figure if I can't do everything for Susan, 429 00:19:12,339 --> 00:19:14,273 at least I can knock this off the list. 430 00:19:14,275 --> 00:19:15,907 I wish I could buy a car for a girl. 431 00:19:15,909 --> 00:19:18,243 All I can do is get them off. 432 00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:25,584 I'm very happy for you, Jason. Susan is a lucky girl. 433 00:19:25,586 --> 00:19:27,418 Why am I lucky? 434 00:19:27,420 --> 00:19:31,756 Because I have a big surprise waiting for you outside. 435 00:19:31,758 --> 00:19:32,891 Give me a hint. 436 00:19:32,893 --> 00:19:34,960 It's not an orgasm. 437 00:19:34,962 --> 00:19:36,561 It's a minivan, fully loaded. 438 00:19:36,563 --> 00:19:38,596 Really?! Oh! 439 00:19:40,233 --> 00:19:42,433 Steve, I know you're really pissed, 440 00:19:42,435 --> 00:19:44,268 but can you get over this thing with Susan? 441 00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:45,736 It's killing me. 442 00:19:45,738 --> 00:19:47,938 All right. Come over here. 443 00:19:47,940 --> 00:19:50,274 You gonna punch me in the nuts? 444 00:19:50,276 --> 00:19:51,309 Yes. 445 00:19:51,311 --> 00:19:54,845 I knew you couldn't stay mad. 446 00:19:54,847 --> 00:19:56,647 Ohh! 447 00:19:56,649 --> 00:19:58,482 Oh, my God! Yes! 448 00:19:58,484 --> 00:20:00,417 That's it! 449 00:20:00,419 --> 00:20:04,254 Jason!! Thank you! 450 00:20:04,256 --> 00:20:05,856 That was real. 451 00:20:09,660 --> 00:20:12,829 Ain't nothing mini in that van. 452 00:20:14,599 --> 00:20:18,768 Two cognacs. Make mine a double. 453 00:20:20,271 --> 00:20:22,939 You know, Jason, what I said before 454 00:20:22,941 --> 00:20:24,608 about how our marriage has everything? 455 00:20:24,610 --> 00:20:27,443 Blah, blah, blah. 456 00:20:27,445 --> 00:20:29,545 This is way better. 457 00:20:30,714 --> 00:20:36,519 Hear that, peasants? My wife is satisfied. 458 00:20:36,521 --> 00:20:38,820 And it all happened in a minivan 459 00:20:38,822 --> 00:20:41,423 I bought below cost. 460 00:20:41,425 --> 00:20:43,925 Below cost? 461 00:20:43,927 --> 00:20:47,095 Oh, God! 462 00:20:47,097 --> 00:20:51,566 Jack, storage room! Now! 463 00:20:51,568 --> 00:20:54,036 Ugh. My mom and my sister. 464 00:20:54,038 --> 00:20:56,171 What is it, two-for-one orgasms? 465 00:20:56,173 --> 00:20:58,840 Gives a whole new meaning to "happy hour."